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Raquel
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I had a weird feeling all week -
new york ny S, Apr 28, 02
Maybe no one will ever read this. Only today was I able to look at pictures. I used to work at Morton's Steakhouse at 90 West street. I was the hostess. I had only been working there a few months. My boyfriend of many years had been working as a waiter there for 6 months already. I commuted from Staten Island and took the ferry in daily. I used to love the skyline view from the boat. About a week before Sept. 11, there was a bomb threat I guess, because I remember around lunch time all these people form the towers were standing outside. It was a really sunny day, but I couldn't leave the restaurant. I used to get to work by taking the 1/9 which stopped at Corlandt St inside the WTC.
On Sept. 8, I was going to work, and I had a really strange feeling coming out of the station.
I was watching all the people and just thought "wow, I am so proud to be working in this area, look at all these successful people, and I'm now one of them. I'm on top of the world!" So, I went to work. I started feeling weird. Like depressed. I was at the hostess stand and I began writing a sort of diary entrance. I said "I don't know why, but I have the strangest feeling like I'm going to die." I told my boyfriend becuase he doesn't believe in that stuff, just in case I got in a car accident or something. Well, actually, I guess I kinda said it so that it woulnd't be true, you know?
I was one of the few who worked a 9-5 in the restaurant. I was trying to get promoted to assistant Sales & Marketing director. Boardroom sales mainly with the WTC, and Wall Street companies who needed a meeting place in our boardrooms. We had a really upscale crowd coming in, lots of regulars from accross the street (wtc,1 Liberty, amex)
On the 10th of September is when I really ook back and think "I cannot believe my last experience in that area" All day I was really clumsy. I mean, I was dropping things, I couln't express myself well, I was saying the wrong things, I was jittery. That morning coming out of the train station some guy was looking at me and I told him off. It really wasn't like me at all. I was very uneasy and bothered. I went to work and kept messing up the reservations. I was thinking a lot about my dad who passed away in Oct. 2000. I was thinking back on how proud he would be that I'm working downtown, most probably getting promoted.
He was in love with this city. He came from Puerto Rico in the early 50's and worked as a waiter his whole life, but always in the high-class places and private clubs. He knew a lot about NY's history and knew about all the landmarks. He instilled that love in me. Even though we moved from the Bronx out here to the 'burbs, nothing made me happier than a day in the city with absolutley no plan to follow. Just walking around. Let me bring it back. I'm sorryI'm going off, but I haven't really written about what happened. It's important that I write it down for some reason. Let me just say that, that whole week before the attacks, my life seemed to revolve around those towers. On Sept. 7th, that Friday, I got out of work early. I was by myself and as I was crossing the street and as I went into the WTC, I thought " hey, I should go up there" you know, up to the observation deck. I hadn't been there since like, 93, when i was 14/15. but then I though that i'd lool like an idiot around all those tourists. "Hey, what's that girl doing here by herself. So instead, I went shopping at Century 21's accross the street. I felt disappointed in myself later that day that I didn't go just cus I cared what people thought of me. I worked that weekend, with that "I'm gonna die" feeling. I said a lot of prayers, talked to God through those diary-like things I was writing. My boyfriend was like what's up with this new religion thing. (Cus I'm Catholic and we tend to be really lax) I thought that I was becoming too materialistic. Spending all this money when I didnt really earn a lot. Feeling better than a lot of people just becuase I got a 9-5 and worked downtown. I had to dress professionally, so if you saw me you figured I was. It was all stupid really. I just felt weird because I had gone away to school for college but didn't finish and I saw a lot of my school friends working downtown in all the major companies. Here I was, just a hostess. Stand there and look pretty type-of-thing. Anyway. I thought that I had this feeling of doom because God wanted me to stop being so materialistic. Stop basing my actions on what other people think. Anyway,so I went home that day after shopping.
The following day I got into a good conversation with the other hostess, talked about life, God, Death. We talked a lot about death. I was telling her how I dream about my dad. How it seems sometimes like he talks to me. How I believe in penny's from heaven. Becase on the day of his funeral, I had on a dark blue suit, stockings and some black shoes. You know how you put on stockings by gathering them at the foot and then pulling them up the leg in that jerky motion. You make sure there are no holes in them. Well I wore these stockings all day. During the ceremony, I started feeling something in my shoe. It kept bothering me more and more. Finally, when I took my stockings off, There in side the stocking under my foot was a shiny new penny. 2000 penny. Right away, I knew it was a sixpence in my shoe. I hadn't told my father that I was married, but I told him as I spoke to him at the wake. It was his way of saying good luck.
The marriage wasn't lucky, but later in a dream he made me feel better about splittin up. The guy was not for me. I know, I'm going off topic. On Sept.9, the manager asked me to comein on the 12th for a special function. All the top NYC restaurants were going to be at the World Trade Center courtyard. We were going to set up kiosks and sell our best items at a really low price. I think Window's on the World was one of the participants. It was a chance to get out to all the local clients. I agreed to do it of course. So the next day I worked. I did the dinner shift on Sept. 10th. The asst. manager and I stayed very late. The general manager then told me that I was going to start getting some Asst. sales manager shifts! I stayed close to 12, 1am. I traded a shift with one of the hosts to work Sept 11th, but I spoke to the asst.mgr and asked if I could take the day off because any way I was coming in on my day off to work the WTC function. SO she agreed. I left. But instead of walking across the street to the wtc train station, I took a cab. I just had a creepy feeling in that train station the last couple of days. I even thought that maybe that guy I told off would attack me in the train station or something. So I took the cab from in front of the Marriot Financial center, but instead of taking me down town, the cab went uptown, up west street, took a right on trinity and went down broadway, I got a 360 degree view of the twin towers. I made my boat. I usually sit upstairs inside, but I sat on the back of the boat, outside, just to look at the skyline. I sat there the whole ride and was in awe, of how great life was. I was working down town, soon I would be working with an airline as a flight attendant. I looked at my city as if saying hello and goodbye. Hello success, hello everything new, hello traveling. Goodbye New York, I may have to relocate, Goodbye boyfriend, I may have to leave. Good bye materialism. Just like that. I went home and went to sleep.
I woke up to drive my boyfriend to work. Morton's had just promoted him to Food And Beverage manager's asst. He was nervous about starting, so he wanted to go in early off the clock in order to learn the computer system. So he got on the 6am ferry. As I dropped him off he asked me if I wanted to drive in to the city instead? I almost did. I could've parked in the lot across the street on cedar next to the Greek chrurch. or at the icon on 111 washington. I was going to go shop at Century 21's like I did that week, or finally go up to the observation deck by myself. But I decided not to. I was trying not to be materialistic and to not shop. I told him again that he shoudn't go in on his day off, it was stupid, but he did. I turned on the christian radio station and they were reading a passage from the bible talking about the apocalypse, I swear to GOD, this is what the guy said : "AND THE SKY SHALL TURN BLACK AND THE GROUND WILL SHAKE" and I though well, yuk, this isnt the way to start the day, why would they talk like this in the morning. But, before I changed the dial, I said a quick prayer " LORD, please give the strength to handle this day if it comes. Allow me to be strong and do your work."
I went home and went back to sleep.
When I woke up, I got a message from my boyfriend saying not to worry that he's ok. I got 3 messages from him. So I turned on the tv, and there it was all happening before my eyes. I could not belive it. It was already past 930am. I ran out to the car, i had my cell phone. I drove like a lunatic, avoiding the main streets because they all have a clear view of the towers from my neighborhood. I parked the car by th eferry and all I could see was smoke and that my towers were not there. A woman on the street looked at me and said "God loves you" then "Don't go to the city" I had my pants on backwards, I was hysterical. I could not reach him on his cell, I ran down to the ferry, I had a few hundred dollars from my tips and I was going to bribe someone to get me to the city. I rtan to the boat but the cops were stopping people from getting on. they said that no other boats were leaving, that there was no visibility. THere were so many of us trying to go there to look for our family, then a boat came. It was like the Holocaust. Wewatched as these people like zombies walked out, some with life vests on , all covered in ashes, not many were crying, they just walked. some with brief cases. Some people like me who were waiting to get on where asking people which floorthey were on and if they knew of the other companies on that floor, or if they knew thier loved one. They were trying to know if their people could have made it out in time. And all I could think was how can this be? THIs is NEW YORK! THIS IS OUR LEGACY, YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO US, THIS CAN'T BE REAL OH GOD HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?! we stood there in this receving line, just saying God Bless You.
There's not much else to this story. My boyfriend thank God came home. We all lost loved ones. New York has not been the same. I didn't get hired by the airline because they of course were cutting costs after the 11th. My building was destroyed, I was relocated to Stamford, Ct, where they seemed to live in a bubble and like nothing different had happened in the world. I did not get my promotion, in fact most of us working could not get placed. I quit after a few months. But, life has somehow gone on. I'm no longer with my boyfriend, but have an excellent job in Jersey. I hardly go to the city anymore and today is the first time I've gone over this stuff. It's been really hard. My boyfriend saw so many horrifying things that day. I feel terrible for everyone. Those people who got messages saying they were OK, and then never came home. I don't know why I was not there. Everything would have placed me directly there. Either at the train station or inside the trade center mall shopping, or across the street at the store, or and I can't beleive it, but at the observationdeck. I stayed home that day by some miracle. I could not have handled being there that day and even seeing what happened. Seeing all those people scared and suffering and dying. If I were not dead I would've been insane. I don't say that lightly. I used to work for one of the airlnes involved. In fact, I put my mother on that flight from Newark to LA once. There were so many tie-ins. My god father in Florida saw one of the hi-jackers in a liquor store in Boyton Beach. He said that the guy was lookin for alcohol, but it was too late and they wouldn't sell it to him, so he went off cursing.
I cannot even begin to explain the hate I feel for everyone who took part in this attack and anyone who in the slightest sees any reasoning. Hate is not strong enough. Hell is not awful enough. Reincarnation as something sub-cockroach or eternal pain, none of these will ever fully and justly begin to appease the awful pain that innocent people have suffered. There is nothing that can ever be done. I wish I could turn back time, I wish that week earlier if that was a bomb drill, I wish this could've never happened. I just don't understand it. Why are some people gone from our lives forever. Why were some of us just not there? How can anyone justify this? How can God not intercept? I suppose it is free will after all, but in these cases, I have to believe that there is true evil in this world, and we must work against it. With all the beauty in this world, all the love that I saw in this city after the attacks, all the strength it took to even get out of our homes. As the world looked to us, we kept on. No one can understand what it was like in New York before. It was magical here. And it still is, but in a way which is bruised and traumatized. There is nothing shallow here anymore, and nothing without the shadow of those events from Sept.11th. I love my city, I love these crowds. I love my country in the way I didn't understand before. My grandfather fought in WWII from Puerto Rico, My father tried to enlist in every war since then but was turned away due to his diabetes. He would not buy foreign, everything was made in the USA. I used to critisize this, but even though I don't totally agree with him, I value the freedom that this country allows. I only wish this would've never happened. I'd rather be an anarchist by ignorance than a partriot by trial and tribulation. But in the end, a patriot I am, and a Christian I am, But most importanly, I have not lost love. This never had to happen. We all knew how to love before this happened. Let's just stop hate. Let's not be envious because that's where this comes from. Let's make sure the children of the world are happy and loved, then they won't grow up to be miserable terrorists and suicide bombers. We must all heal. There is no political agenda worth killing for. There is no faith in God worth killing for , because if we truly knew love, we would draw from it in all our actions. Any ideas we had would come from love, and if we ever disagreed with someone in this world, it wouldn't be the first time in history, but we cannot change others. What part of thier actions will change me to beleive in Islam? That is not islam which they preach but the control over the masses. They want money in the amnounts that our gov't has it,they want to take over the world, and have follow Allah? It's ridiculous. Look, as a New Yorker, I have friends of all makes and models. If they actually had love for Allah, they would know love. If they had love for Buddha, they'd know love. If they ever knew love, they'd never live this way. Love will fight this war. But it's too late for some but not for us. There are more good people in this world than there are evil. There is more love than not.
On that note. I wish you all beautiful things in life. That you never be scared of something like this again. Love each other. IN THIS LIFE THERE ARE MANY THINGS.
S, Apr 28, 02
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